


Know better

by mforpaul



Series: Slow Burn [3]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Developing Relationship, First Kiss, First Time, M/M, Post-Episode: s19e13 The Undiscovered Country, Romance, Slow Burn, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-03-29 22:02:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19028809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mforpaul/pseuds/mforpaul
Summary: Sonny tries to figure out why Rafael has invited him to a bar. Rafael tries to figure out if Sonny is straight. And Sonny tries to figure out whether he should go home with him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [obfuscate__yummy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/obfuscate__yummy/gifts).



> This one goes out to Jess. 
> 
> For many reasons. Because she's a friendly, loving person with a pure heart. Because I should have gifted her a fic a long time ago. And because she's going through a rough time and needs a good vibe. I'm hoping you like this, even though I don't feel like this is one of my better fics. You're adorable and I adore you, mamacita!
> 
> And a big thanks to nevadatrash for encouraging this and betareading. You make all this better!
> 
> I have added this to the Slow Burn series because when I originally started writing it I had in mind that this is supposed to be Slow Burn but from Sonny's POV. This is not really what happened, so you don't have to have read the first two parts.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Rafael has left the DA's office he sets up meeting with Sonny in a bar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started writing this in November 2018. It was meant to be like [Slow Burn](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15481374/chapters/35938737) just from Sonny's POV and I think it shows, with the extremely long set up in the bar and me not ignoring that Undiscovered Country exists. Anyhow, I won't take it this far. This is where I want to stress that this is not a WIP, I have written everything (except the last half of chapter 5) and I'm planning to put up one chapter every week.
> 
> That being said, enjoy!

Sonny knew him better. There was no reason Barba would _just_ call, just like that. After all, Sonny hadn’t heard from him since he had left. And now they were here, in that bar. Just to catch up? _No_ , Sonny knew Barba better than this.

“So as much as I hate to put your potential law career in jeopardy, I need to use my connections to find a job for myself first”, Barba concluded a little story about various job interviews in various law firms that were beneath him for various reasons. Too willingly, Barba poured down his Scotch and too quickly gestured the bartender for the next one. Even knowing Barba’s drinking habits, Sonny noted his especially quick thirst this very evening.

“So, anything new with you?”

 _How compassionate of him to ask_ , Sonny thought to himself not without surprise, but as they were here already he guessed Barba might as well ask and so Sonny answered: “No, work mostly. Always harping on the same old theme here.”

Sonny made an indistinct hand gesture and experienced a moment in which he became aware of how strong his own accent was. He knew Barba hated the accent but even if Sonny tried he wouldn’t manage to turn it off. Then again, Sonny would lose his integrity and he had no interest in that.

Sonny turned around and leaned his back against the bar counter. While Barba was seated on a bar stool, Sonny had given up his to a lady earlier that evening.

“And you do nothing outside of work?”

Barba wet his lips and sent him a strange look that Sonny couldn’t quite read.

This was literally the first time in all those years Sonny knew him that Barba asked him about his private life. Not to mention unsolicited.

Something _was_ off.

“Um?”

Just because Barba was not polite enough to do simple small talk, it was not like Sonny had never told him about his sisters or any other member of his extended family, their pregnancies, their dating failures and their family recipes, but now that Barba was actually asking he didn’t know how to answer.

He was even more disturbed when Barba ordered him a second beer ignoring that his first was still half full. Again, unsolicited. As Barba was already having his second drink while Sonny was still hooked up on the first, the only valid conclusion seemed to be that Barba wanted Sonny to get to a similar alcohol level. And wasn’t _that_ compassionate?

“Well, I don’t think you came here to let me bore you with the latest rants about the Carisi clan.”

Sonny smiled with a lot of teeth. Despite the little daring polka dotted navy blue shirt Sonny had chosen to wear this evening and that he was sure Barba must approve of, being charming around the man still seemed to constitute an impossibility.

“Then don’t”, Barba replied simply. He cocked an eyebrow and his voice turned into that dangerous low tone that used to and still did send shivers down Sonny’s spine. “Tell me something else.”

This fiery shimmer in his eyes.

Sonny wanted to melt away on the spot. He used to see this look shot at defense attorneys, provoking them. Telling them to give him more. To give him a challenge. In Sonny’s opinion, this was the sexiest look in the whole wide world. It was usually stressed with a smug smirk and a confident posture. In Sonny’s world, pure perfection. Unfortunately, being at the receiving end of this look made Sonny’s stomach shrink for all the wrong reasons.

But Sonny knew better. So he obliged: He finished the rest of his beer in one go and wrapped his hand around the second one.

“You mean, if I have a girlfriend or something?” Sonny hoped that he didn’t sound as unsure of himself as he suddenly felt. Barba tilted his head, looking somewhat expectantly. Sonny took this as a cue to answer: “Well, dating life is going… flat. I’m too hooked up on that old work theme, remember?”

Sonny tried for his best attractive smile but seemingly fell short, because Barba’s expression looked somewhat disappointed. He lowered his gaze into his Scotch glass and commented dryly: “Well, women in New York are missing out.”

Sonny blushed. Hard and fast. _What?_ How compassionate was _that_ of him to say.

And again: _What?_

“But your life seems boring”, Barba added quickly. “If all you do is work.”

“I’m a detective in New York City!” Sonny interjected, not unoffended. “I literally couldn’t be any more not boring.”

Barba simply raised his brows, unimpressed.

“They write TV shows about me!”

And Barba didn’t give a reply. Nothing. As if he was waiting for Sonny to retort. As if Barba had served him a tease on a golden plate and was now waiting for Sonny to turn it back on him. Barba was an unemployed lawyer, drinking in some sleazy bar with an ex-coworker he never liked. Sonny only needed to wrap this message into clever words and bring it home.

It was almost as if Barba was trying to offend his detective skills.

“What is it, Rafael?”

Sonny just loved how the name rolled off his accent-thicken tongue.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re beating around the bush.”

“As much as I appreciate your revival of ancient phrases, I don’t know what you mean.”

The absence of a smirk betrayed him though. Barba squared his shoulders and pursed his lips into something that could only be described as a small pout.

“You obviously want something, just say it.”

Barba set his jaw. His expression reminded Sonny of a little child that was caught with a hand in the cookie jar.

It was a cute look on him.

And now that he thought about it, was it possible that he, Detective Dominick Carisi Jr., had put this expression onto Rafael Barba’s face? Yes, he was really responsible for that. _Nice._

“What could I possibly want?”

Barba asked with a shrug of shoulders, a gesture not of insecurity but instead of confidence and arrogance like the man himself.

All of a sudden, Sonny’s heart sank. Yeah, he did catch him, that much Sonny was sure of, _but doing what exactly_?

The only thing that Sonny could think about doing now was flirt. It was meant to fail, Sonny had no illusions there. But there were three things that he as a detective would normally do in a situation like this when he tried to gather information: Either intimidate, bond or flirt. While he had no leverage for the first, the second appeared to be an impossibility anyway, which left Sonny with option number three.

“Rafael, come on. I know you.”

Sonny purred therefore and leaned forward with a charming smile on his face. This flashing of dimples and blue eyes did work more often than not, he knew that much even though he had used this puppy look mostly on his mother and older sisters.

“There’s some purpose here, obviously.”

Sonny continued, gesturing with his hands between them. And just like this, Sonny just had another self-conscious moment of realizing that he probably overused his hands while talking. Another thing Barba didn’t like about him.

“You don’t need to do that game. If you want something from me, just ask for it.”

Barba bit his bottom lip and Sonny couldn’t be sure if the ghost of a smirk wasn’t hiding around the corners of his delicate mouth.

All the same, Sonny could tell from Barba’s silence that he had hit the right nerve.

The next mouthful of beer lay bitter on Sonny’s tongue, which didn’t hide that he enjoyed the taste of having seen through Rafael Barba. Sonny shifted the cool beer in his mouth before he swallowed.

Sonny took a deep breath to gather some strength before he leaned in closer. He shifted his weight to one elbow, and ducked his head to bring his face to the same level as Barba’s.

They had always had a tendency to stay too close to each other. And _god,_ had Sonny missed the smell of that cologne. Clandestinely, Sonny took in a deep breathe, savoring Barba’s scent.

But Sonny gathered himself soon, determined to not allow himself too much moments of weakness. So he fixed his gaze on the man in front of him, expectantly.

“What is going on, Rafael?”

“What do you think I’d possibly want from you that would have me drag you into a bar under… what?... false pretenses?”

An eyebrow cocked, his face relaxed into a cool expression. And just like that the haughtiness had returned into Barba’s face and was leaving a sour taste on Sonny’s tongue.

He had nearly started to miss that attitude.

“You tell me.”

Sonny let a smile wrinkle his mouth, trying to appear unfazed. Being cute, that was his game and even if this was Barba and he didn’t really expect him to be impressed by that, Sonny thought he should stick to the game he knew.

Barba’s response was somewhat ambiguous, as he rolled his eyes annoyed, but took another too deep of a sip of his Scotch.

Barba didn’t really look like he was planning to answer, but Sonny decided to not let him off the hook. Even though there was nearly no evidence of it in composure or gestures, Sonny loved the idea of making Barba squirm, if only on the inside.

“Rafael, it’s me. You can ask me anything.”

And Barba breathed in, deep and thoroughly. He played the tip of his tongue over his lips. And again, he breathed.

Sonny was now genuinely curious about what Barba was going to say. He already felt the pride swelling in his chest over having been able to make Rafael Barba writhe. Revenge though was not the feeling that caused his pride. No, he had always liked it when Barba challenged him, relished it too much even. It might even be fair to say that Sonny may have provoked Barba on many occasions to play out his silver tongue on him, to make _him_ squirm. This had been the way that Barba had always managed to challenge the best out of him.

And Sonny had learned from the best.

He had really missed him.

Finally, Barba cleared his throat: “As you’re so willing to make me ask you, I won’t disappoint you.” He sighed deeply, before he looked straight into Sonny’s eyes. “To be honest, I was planning to check out my odds.”

Sonny raised his brows, understanding nothing. “What odds?”

Barba gave him that annoyed look. That genuinely annoyed look that god must have invented for Barba to give to Sonny.

“What odds could I possibly mean, _detective?”_

Sonny felt his face turn hot and his heartbeat raise.

“Well, it’s a bar frequented by cops, so… I guess you know about the odds for that Scotch being any good.”

Sonny offered him a shy smile, knowing very well that the joke was misplaced.

“Well, they shouldn’t write TV shows about you.”

“C’mon!”

Sonny pouted and Barba finally snapped.

“Whether or not you’re into men.” With a forced smile he looked into Sonny’s widened expression and added: “Carisi.”

Sonny swallowed. And it really, really took all of his strength. Every bit of self-control or self-dignity he had in himself to not stare at Barba open-mouthed like a complete idiot.

_“Oh.”_

He said dumbly instead.

Barba let out an amused laugh.

Sonny blushed _impossibly._ He knew that he was probably burning deep red from the top of his ears down to his stomach. And knowing Barba, Sonny knew that his blush must be answer enough for the man.

So Sonny tried to collect himself. He straightened his back and found his smile again. He sent his prayers skywards that the expression on his face didn’t make him look like the fool he felt. He smoothed the front of his navy blue vest and garnished his whole composure with a smile.

Sonny had managed to match all the pieces he was wearing in the same tone and until a few minutes ago, he had wished Barba would verbally notice. But now, all Sonny wished for was his confidence back.

Deciding he might find it in his beer, he took a few deep gulps, welcoming the coolness but longing for the daze that was going to come delayed.

With a hollow sound, he put the empty beer bottle on the counter. Absentmindedly, he nodded to the nearby bartender who immediately exchanged the empty bottle with a new one.

They hadn’t said a word for what felt like hours, but was probably not more than a couple of minutes. So much for collecting himself.

The only thing he knew was that he didn’t plan to give Barba an actual answer easily.

S _onny, now would be a really good time to flirt_ , he thought.

“Comin’ on strong, counselor”, Sonny said lamely and again with too much accent. He felt suddenly incapable of forming any sentence that would come anywhere near charming.

“You wanted it.” Barba, in turn extremely charming and apparently very in control, didn’t even try to hide the sexual nature of the words. And Sonny couldn’t pretend that this didn’t send a jolt of excitement through his body.

So Sonny stared and Barba smirked.

Not to force a cliché, but Sonny felt like he could cut the tension with a knife. Barba, though to a small extend too fidgety with his fingers at his rock glass, didn’t shy away from looking Sonny in the eye, clearly waiting for Sonny’s decision on how to act on this. It almost felt like he was some kind of predator waiting behind a bush for the right moment to jump on his prey.

And Sonny? Sonny felt the way he had always felt in front of that man. Completely stunned, his breath taken away and absolutely smitten by everything about him.

Flirting really was a lost cause in that moment.

Suddenly, Sonny broke into a chuckle.

This whole scene was absurd. The years they had worked together. And if he didn’t know any better, the years they had bickered and bantered and flirted with each other. And now they just sit in that bar and Barba dropped the question like a sack of rice.

Sonny couldn’t help himself but plainly blurt out what came to his mind: “That was a helluva move, Rafael!”

“Yes, detective, your ‘interrogation techniques’ worked. I asked a potentially straight guy if he’s into men. Be proud of yourself.”

Barba’s words dripped of sarcasm, and Sonny could sense that he was genuinely annoyed about how brusquely this situation was playing out. The rather crudity with which Barba had asked the question, or more accurately was pushed to reveal, surely stood in stark contrast to the usual elegance that touched the words that leave Barba’s mouth.

And very pointedly so, Barba didn’t insist on Sonny answering.

Instead Barba finished his Scotch in one smooth motion. And Sonny, again if he didn’t know any better, was almost sure to see embarrassment flicker in his deep green eyes, when Barba promptly ordered himself the next one and maybe simply to save his pride, he ordered one for Sonny.

“Not many could pull that off like you did.”

Sonny tried to genuinely reassure him, but of course irony was all Barba could hear.

He snorted and shot him a lethal look. “With all that grace?”

The bartender was quick and hurried to his rescue, the Scotch arrived for Barba. And another one was placed right in front of Sonny.

Sonny guessed that Barba was right, he could use something stronger than beer if he wanted to be able to pull off any kind of flirting.

So he didn’t hesitate and took a mouthful.

That turned out to be a big mistake, because the moment the amber liquid touched his tongue every cell in his body cringed. He immediately shivered from the burn. He needed to force himself to actually swallow the stuff down his throat.

How could Barba drink this, like every fucking day?

And then, Sonny caught Barba’s look. Barba smiled bittersweetly, one corner of his mouth lifted up into something knowingly.

“I prefer Tequila”, Sonny explained weakly and when Barba opened his mouth, he quickly added: “But I don’t want one now.”

Sonny wrapped his hand back around the cold beer bottle, fighting the urge to press it against his burning cheeks and leaned his back against the counter as he watched the crowd in the bar.

For a Friday night the atmosphere in the bar was rather moody than jolly. There was no music playing, only the chatter of people filled up the room. It was not exactly a cop bar, a lot of people had come by for a drink after a long tiring week at a job that sucked the bliss out of them. So yeah, most of the people in the crowd must be working in law enforcement.

There had not been many men in Sonny’s life, but there had been some men he had liked. And Barba was surely one of them. Sonny had never quite understood what it was about Barba’s accentuated fashion style, his small height, his arrogance… that Sonny just found so attractive.

What Sonny had understood on the other hand was how he had been all over Barba in the courtroom. The man in his element, there were no words to describe how incredibly breathtaking he was. How Barba knew not just what to say but how to say. His intellect, his sharp mind. How Barba used his whole posture and gestures to bring home an argument. With literally all of his being, Barba pleaded a case.

He was just _so_ charismatic.

How, really how, could he not be completely irresistible?

And _yes,_ Sonny had always loved it. He had loved every bit of attention Barba had awarded him. And Sonny had especially loved when that attention had turned into praise, however subtle.

Sonny didn’t know why it had turned him on so much. Because it had hurt him when Barba had used to make fun of his Fordham law education. Sonny was used to being mocked for the things he did or said. But while Barba might not be a very nice person, Sonny had known from the start that Barba would allow himself to be convinced. So that was what Sonny had tried, very hard.

Ambition, thirst for knowledge, curiosity – those were things that Barba could relate to. Those were the things that motivated them both,that they used to fight for the greater good. So really, no matter how condescending Barba had been to him, in the end he had tickled Sonny just right to bring out the best in him.

And Sonny had been able to achieve. Through persistence he had made Barba respect him. He had slowly cracked the annoyance in Barba’s appearance and found something friendly. He had even made that smug Ivy League educated attorney with two decades of professional experience help out the thirty something night school student with an ugly accent.

Sonny had always admired Barba’s bravery, his stern determination for doing the right thing. Amanda had teased him many times about how he wanted to be like Barba, hence the hero-worship. But she was wrong. In many ways, Sonny thought they were the same. They both had a passion for their cause, a passion that was limitless. Neither one of them was ever afraid of anything that was in their way. And for both of them, anything less than giving their best was unacceptable.

As grumpy as Barba was, Sonny had always known that he was stealthily warm-hearted. Sonny had even expected softness somewhere underneath the neat appearance. And admittedly, Sonny had always hoped to find it.

But back then Sonny had known better than to risk his job, more so his profession, his beautiful work, for a crush.

Sonny didn’t know why that memory came to him in that moment, but he remembered the bright colored suit Barba had been wearing the day they met. It had impressed him, not just that someone would wear that color in the dirty streets of New York City but also that Barba had quite frankly pulled it off. Barba’s attentive fashion style reflected his sharp character. It was a little on the edge, enough to be excited about but not enough to be intimidated.

Barba now was wearing dark jeans, very well fitted and probably a brand. With it, he was wearing a simple white shirt, a blue jacket and a dove blue tie. Why the tie, Sonny had no idea.

And these secretive, viridian eyes that Sonny tried to not look at now. They were simply beautiful, even more so when one of his rare smiles reached to them.

 _Yes,_ Sonny had always secretly wished to overstep their professional relationship.

He took in a deep breath of air and a deep gulp of beer.

 _Come back_ , he thought. _You are here now_.

So he turned and looked at Barba.

“So, on a Friday evening you just decided to call your ex-colleague and ask him if he was into men?”

And Sonny thought that he managed to pull off one of his more attractive smiles.

Barba just shrugged his shoulders: “Kind of.”

 _Ass_ , Sonny thought and shook his head with a chuckle. That was not the way to get into his pants, he thought disappointedly and turned around again to face the crowd.

_Wait._

“Wait!” Sonny jerked his head back towards Barba. “Is this…” Sonny gestured with his flat hands through the air. “Is this supposed to be a date?”

Barba went for an annoyed eye roll, but Sonny did not fail to notice a slight blush on his cheeks. And oh god, that was not the right time to acknowledge that Rafael Barba hadn’t shaved in days.

“It had the potential to turn into one”, Barba answered.

Hence the tie?, Sonny wonders. But wait! At what point?

“Depending on your answer”, Barba added and cleared his throat which Sonny would usually interpret as a sign of nervousness. No matter what it meant, it gave Sonny a small boost and made him smirk. He leaned in closer, until he could huff a hot breath against Barba’s ear.

“It’s really crappy”, he said in a low voice.

Barba didn’t move, enjoying the few inches their faces were apart. He smirked back, although not unoffended.

“This isn’t a date”, Barba clarified.

“So when was this going to turn into one, four Scotch in?”

Barba smiled sourly. “It surely won’t now.”

“And potentially? How was this going to become a date?”

Barba’s answer was a lazy gesture into the room. Sonny raised his brow. The romantic in him felt slightly offended by Barba’s sheer brazenness to call this a date. But as Barba didn’t elaborate, Sonny just rolled his eyes and turned back to study the crowd.

_Wait._

Barba had more than spelled it out for him.

Hastily Sonny leaned forward to Barba who was facing his Scotch. The distance was closed fast but the angle was poor. Sonny only caught half of Barba’s lips which didn’t matter because Barba adjusted quickly.

Barba lifted himself up a little to meet Sonny who was standing leaning on one elbow on the bar counter. Their lips were pressed together firmly, yet Barba’s lips felt so soft. They both froze at the sensation of their lips touching. Sonny was sure that Barba hadn’t expected the kiss and they stood still for a couple of moments to seize the feeling.

Barba’s lips were somewhat sticky from the Scotch and Sonny was vaguely aware that his must be cold from the beer. Nevertheless, heat emerged from the spot where his lips were touching Barba’s.

The scent that tickled his nose was intoxicating and it was so Barba. Sonny could smell that Scotch on him. Scotch and that rich, bitter scent of Barba.

Sonny still had the beer bottle in his left hand and his right elbow supported his position leaning half down, so Sonny couldn’t reach out to touch Barba… somewhere, anywhere. Instead, Sonny parted his lips and shyly let his tongue explore Barba’s mouth. It met Barba’s which in turn explored Sonny’s mouth, reserved but confidently.

Both man took in the feel of the warmth, the heat of their kiss. But they didn’t linger. With a curl of tongues, they slowly parted.

Sonny let his gaze rest on Barba’s mouth while he licked over his own lips. He tasted Barba there who tasted like Scotch. Sonny’s eyes searched Barba’s to find them resting on Sonny’s lips. And Barba also licked the tip of his tongue over his own lips and probably tasting Sonny there, Sonny who tasted like beer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you enjoyed, I would enjoy a comment and kudos :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny doesn't know if he wants to go home with Rafael.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May it because I started writing this over six months ago and my headcanons have changed so much or may it because I'm not good with Sonny's POV, but I was not feeling this story. So it's interesting for me to present it to you and see what you guys are thinking. Anyway, I have finished writing chapter 5 and now I quite like this fic.

Soon Barba leveled his gaze to lock eyes with Sonny. And if Sonny hadn’t loved these viridian eyes already, he loved them even more now. They seemed to be darker now in this moment, at the same time brighter. Attentive, sharp.

Was that _want_?

Sonny swallowed hard. These eyes were dangerous. But in a good way, in a way that made his whole abdomen prickle.

Knowing very well that a bar frequented by potential co-workers was not the place to let sexual tension grow, they both took their eyes off each other. Barba returned his to his Scotch that he had been holding onto the entire time. For lack of options, Sonny also started to inspect the beer bottle in his hand. Neither men drank.

Not knowing what to do, Sonny started to fiddle with the label on the bottle and this was when it was Barba’s turn to start laughing.

Sonny turned to him surprised.

“What?”

“It’s just that I think I have my answer”, Barba replied, not without a smirk. “Obviously.”

Sonny narrowed his eyes. “Almost as if you invited me here on a hunch.”

Sometimes, Barba really was a dick.

“So.” Barba’s tone was nothing if not casual. “Do you want to come back to my apartment?”

Sonny widened his eyes in utter surprise.

“No!”

“Why not?”

Barba’s answer matched Sonny’s exclaim in outrage and this threw Sonny a little off his game. Barba’s expression left no doubt that he found Sonny’s answer not just unintelligible, but also unexpected. For a moment Sonny opened his mouth with no sound coming out. He closed it again, shooting Barba an inquiring look. But when the man just raised his eyebrows to confirm his initial question, Sonny felt compelled to answer.

“Because…”, Sonny searched for words. “Because this…” He gestured into the bar. “… is not a date.”

“So?”

This man was impossible and Sonny sulked.

“I want that date.”

“What for?”

“Seriously?”

Sonny opened his palms to gesture around the bar. Sorry, if he couldn’t see the beauty in being picked up in a smelly bar by a hot, but half-drunk guy who seemed to purposefully refrain from entertaining any kind of decent flirting or pining.

“Yeah.” Barba nodded affirmatively.

“Do you think I’m that easy?”

Barba huffed: “Come on. It’s not like you need to get to know me.”

Sonny’s mouth again stayed open while he stared incredulously into Barba’s eyes.

Barba had a point of course, but anyway, Sonny didn’t like the thought of simply getting to _it,_ without any preamble. All that sweet ado, didn’t that make the act more exciting?

Sonny was a big boy though. He understood that sex didn’t need to resolve into marriage, it could be fun and nothing more and Sonny didn’t think there was anything wrong with that. It was just that it was not for him. He had never had a one night stand because he felt uneasy with the thought of sleeping with a stranger. He couldn’t relax or feel comfortable if he didn’t trust the person he was intimate with. He needed to know them first. And if Sonny knew a person, had come to like things about the other person, well, in Sonny’s opinion that made the sex even better. Because then he would know how to appreciate his lover right. Sonny simply needed to feel _something._ Otherwise the sex was just meaningless. And he didn’t like that thought. Even if it was going to be just one night, Sonny wanted it to be worthwhile.

And while Sonny indeed did know Barba, getting one drink after another in a sleazy cop bar was not exactly getting him in the mood.

Sonny tilted his head. _Rafael Barba was bad at dating. Who knew?_

“No, you need to come up with something better.”

Now Barba narrowed his eyes. Sonny could tell that he didn’t like what he had heard. And admittedly, it sounded strange to Sonny’s ears, too.

“What exactly is supposed to change if we give this a different setting?”

“It’s gonna set the mood.”

Barba raised his brow. “The mood?” He smirked. “We’ve known each other for four years, how much more anticipation do you need?”

Sonny hated to admit that Barba had a point again. Being here together in that bar where the realization started slowly coming to Sonny that those four years of bickering must have been an expression of underlying tension, Sonny didn’t know if this wasn’t in fact anticipation of a very unique kind. He only wished that Barba would try a little harder, or at all for that matter. Because after four years, didn’t they deserve a bit more than _Oh, so you like dicks, too?_

Among his contemplations, he heard Barba saying: “Well, next time then.”

Sonny straightened his back. He didn’t really expect that. He was not surprised that Barba gave up so early, not that giving up was very like him, but so wasn’t not trying. Sonny started to suspect that this was actually Barba’s scheme of punishing him for making him blurt out the question so clumsily.

“Yeah, okay.”

After all, this meant that there would be a date. This did mean that, didn’t it?

“Are you sure, though?” Barba wet his lips, eliciting the according response from Sonny as he felt his mouth water at the sight of Barba’s tongue sliding over his lips. “Because we will basically just postpone what’s going to happen anyway.”

Sonny stared back at him, his lips slightly parted. He should contradict. He felt like little needles were pinning all over his skin, because of course Barba was right again. Ultimately, there was no way Sonny would refuse Barba. It was really just a matter of setting it up.

Sonny swallowed hard, but finally he nodded. “Yeah, I want that date you’re promising.”

Barba looked him straight in the eye for a long time, there was a dangerous shimmer in his green eyes and Sonny was sure that the color of those eyes had never been that deep before. He looked at him for so long that Sonny thought that Barba would refuse and call off any of his hopes to actually go on a date with and consequently fuck Barba.

But then Barba relaxed and took another mouthful of his Scotch. He cherished the liquor on his tongue, before he swallowed.

“Okay then, I’ll give you a call.”

Sonny spread his arms in a helpless gesture. He shook his head. This was so unromantic. And by now Sonny had understood that Barba was doing this on purpose.

And while Sonny was thinking about calling him out on that, he knew that any effort would turn out needless. Whatever attention Barba would decide to give him, Sonny would probably respond extremely awe-struck. Because no matter how much Sonny liked the romance, in the end it was really about the person.

And well, this was Barba after all.

“Well, you have my number.”

Sonny sighed and finished his beer. He felt that Barba was sending him a sidelong look with an amused smirk on his face. Yeah, maybe this was what Sonny should do, try to find the humor in the situation.

All the same, he felt that his lips were forming a pout.

He guessed that this evening with all its awkwardness in a way added to their unique story but still he was not happy about the way things were playing out. The coyness, Sonny couldn’t find another word, with which they now kept their distance couldn’t hide that they were very drawn to each other.

So Sonny preferred to turn away again to face the crowd. With every pore of his body Sonny wanted that date, he wanted to look forward to it and know when he would be finally able to touch him. But patience is a virtue, he reminded himself. He had waited this long, he should able to wait a little longer. And weren’t these the greatest gifts anyway, the ones you were excited for?

“Wait.”

Sonny looked up, checking what kind of epiphany Barba could possibly have right now.

“We already kissed, right?”

“Uh?”

“So let me taste you a little more.”

And with that, Barba grabbed Sonny by the tie and pulled him in.

A moan escaped Sonny’s mouth when their lips crashed together. The moment of feeling overwhelmed left Sonny feeling off guard and all of the sudden, the desire from deep inside of him came to the surface.

Barba tasted a thousand times more delicious the second time. Sonny’s tongue was more explorative, trying to draw whatever he could get from the man.

And Barba just responded beautifully. He sucked in a sharp breath through his nose. He tilted his head a little, inviting, so that Sonny was able to deepen the kiss.

This made Sonny give in to an impulse.

He shoved Barba from his bar stool. They were sitting at the end of the counter anyway, so Sonny needed to push Barba only a few steps backwards until he could swirl him around a corner and pin him to the wall of the hall that lead to the restrooms.

It was a long time since he had kissed someone like this, if he had ever kissed like this at all. The whole situation: the imagined privacy of the shabby corridor, the spontaneity, the absolute gorgeous taste of Barba.

The back of Barba’s head knocked gracelessly against the wall, but the man didn’t care. He obviously wanted to be claimed. He tilted his head up to give Sonny better access. Barba’s hands settled lazily on Sonny’s chest, while Sonny’s hands grabbed him by the hips and pulled them forward.

Their tongues fit so beautiful around each other when they twirled in each other’s mouth engaging in a beautiful dance, full of hopes and wants and promises.

They didn’t make out for very long. It was still a cheap cop bar and people were bumping into them while walking past them to get to the loo.

In a silent agreement they broke the kiss and just stood there for a few moments, their bodies pressed together, foreheads touching.

* * *

Sonny paid, he felt like he had to because Barba was unemployed. Not that Barba complained. He was already pushing buttons on his phone, apparently calling for a car and Sonny was overcome by a sudden emptiness somewhere in his chest when he thought about that this meant that this evening would come to an end.

He felt a little like a nervous ball of energy jumping around Barba, helping him in his coat, holding the door open for him, waiting with him on the sidewalk for the car. He didn’t know if it showed.

It was certainly satisfying to see little signs of Barba struggling to keep up his appearance. The short second his palm stroke over his hair, the second too long his fingers spent fidgeting with the collar of his jacket.

Wordlessly, they had walked out of the bar into the cold evening night. The dubious scent of fumes had greeted and the sounds of busy cars had surrounded them.

Standing there on the sidewalk shoulder to shoulder to each other, Sonny had a rare moment in his life where he didn’t know what to say. While Barba purposefully said nothing. Sonny knew that, he knew that Barba’s unusual and surely mysterious silence was his way to make Sonny squirm inside. And maybe he should be more ashamed that it worked.

Sonny was clearly still struggling to understand what had happened and quite frankly, his brain didn’t allow him to grasp what they had agreed on. He wanted to know when he would see Barba again, even more so he just wanted to not say goodbye. They could just sit and drink a little, make out some more.

And before Sonny knew it, they did just that. Barba had his fingers insistently wrapped around the collar of Sonny’s jacket and kissed him thoroughly.

“Are you sure?”

Barba asked between two kisses and Sonny’s loins felt as if they were burning up.

“Can you really resist?”

And Sonny realized that Barba must be standing on tiptoes.

“We have this night. Let’s use it.”

Sonny needed to close his eyes. Pure arousal rushed through his whole body. It was not just the kissing, or quite obviously the man himself, simply his deep voice whispering so sweetly trying to convince him that was pushing Sonny to the edge.

This was Barba after all!

He was happy when the car honked next to them. It gave Sonny the opportunity to take a clumsy step backwards, not needing to think about this more because quite obviously thinking was not what was going to guide his next actions.

“Okay.”

It was a lame thing to say and Sonny hid his hands in his pockets. He knew he was grinning stupidly sheepish, incredibly unsure of himself, but he couldn’t turn it off.

“Okay”, Barba agreed.

Sonny cleared his throat, he didn’t quite know what to do standing there opposite Barba who had reached down to open the backdoor of the car.

“I see you then?”

Barba didn’t answer, he just raised an eyebrow and nodded quietly.

“Good night, then.”

The corner of Barba’s mouth lifted up, dangerously, and maybe Sonny should have known by then that he was lost.

Barba’s elegant fingers wrapped around the door of the car, but before he sat down inside, the man turned to Sonny again.

“Are you coming or not, Carisi?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Depending on Sonny's answer you'll either get smut in the next chapter or not. I wonder what's it going to be 🙄


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the last chapter Sonny had been battling with himself over whether he should go home with Rafael or insist on his date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The biggest thanks to my very clever friend Rahel who shares the same headcanon with me that not just Rafael's tie and socks match but also his underwear. So the bubble butt is for you!

As soon as they entered the apartment, Barba was all over him. Curious hands explored every inch of Sonny’s body. They were on his back, on his biceps, in his hair. They even squeezed Sonny’s ass firmly.

And Sonny moaned shamelessly.

It was so hot.

And Barba kissed like, _oh god_ like heaven and sin at the same time. If Sonny didn’t know any better he would say that Barba kissed like a fool. Like a total fool who was having his only chance to kiss someone. Him. To kiss Sonny.

Barba kissed open mouthed. With a lot, _a lot_ of tongue. Barba’s tongue was as explorative as his hands. It licked fervently into Sonny’s mouth, with enthusiasm and want. The tongue slipped between Sonny’s lips, wet and possessive. Barba didn’t mind if in the heat of moment their teeth crashed into the soft flesh of each other’s lips, if saliva drooled from the corner of their mouths.

And again, Sonny couldn’t help but moan excessively. Barba who was grinding his hips moved against him with so much passion that Sonny would have been knocked off his feet if the man wasn't holding him in place with such a firm grip.

It was exactly the way Sonny liked to kiss but never dared. He remembered the girls in his life who had stood still expecting Sonny to take the lead, but as soon as he had started to use too much tongue or even breathe too fast they had told him to slow down. Wallflower may not be his taste, but more often than not his choice.

So Sonny allowed himself to be passionate and kissed back like the fool he was. He breathed heavily, moaned deeply. He let his tongue explore Barba’s mouth and didn’t care if it slipped over Barba’s lips, along the flesh around his mouth. And truthfully, Barba didn’t either.

Sonny’s hands were everywhere he could reach. They wanted to explore the thick torso, with those strong arms. He felt Barba’s firm body through too many layers of clothes. These definitely needed to go. So Sonny grabbed Barba’s jacket and carelessly pushed it over Barba’s shoulders.

“Don’t you dare!”

Barba’s lips slipped away and a moment later his warm body was gone, too.

“What?”

Sonny’s eyes fluttered open. In his state of arousal, he already felt dizzy in his head and the sudden loss of touch made him tremble backwards. With a muffled thud his back hit against the wall.

“This is a nice suit”, Barba said with a husky voice. This voice that was so sexy even if not thickened by desire. “So be careful, you heathen.”

And Sonny watched him _seriously_ take off his clothes with immense care and hang them neatly over the closest chair.

Sonny studied Barba’s face. The skin around Barba’s mouth was a mess, slightly red and spit glistering on it. His hair was messy. His deep, green eyes were darkened by lust. And they were fixed on him. Confident and strong.

Bronze skin slowly got exposed by long elegant fingers casing around buttons, undoing them and freeing his body from offensive fabrics.

And Sonny couldn’t help but think that Barba was absolutely and in all sense of the word _beautiful._

Sonny was very aware that he was standing there splattered against the wall, staring dumbstruck at the strip tease he was allowed to watch. Sonny was also very well aware that Barba was probably not even putting on a show but merely stepping out of his clothes.

The ghost of a smug smirk played around his kiss-bruised lips while Barba watched him stare.

Arms, legs, neck. Sonny was stunned by all of it. In the end, what was left on Barba’s body were a classic white undershirt, that as simple as it was made Barba look even more attractive, and dove blue boxers. Sonny noted vaguely in the back of his head that the boxers had matched the tie and the socks he had been wearing.

Sonny didn’t want to stop staring. At the same time, he wanted to kiss Barba again, so badly. Barba was by far the best kisser he had ever experienced. And this was the reason why Sonny got suddenly painfully aware that he was about to get what was probably going to be the best sex of his life. And unfortunately, that realization helped his nervousness in no way.

He thought of himself as an attentive lover. As a matter of fact, attentiveness went without saying for Sonny as pleasuring each other was all that sex was about. So naturally he wanted it to be good for Barba, too. Right now though his mind couldn’t think of any moves that he could pull out, not to mention consider which one of these moves would be adequate for Barba.

Sonny swallowed while he watched one of Barba’s hands go down to his crotch and palm himself through his boxers. Sonny’s own dick twitched demandingly in response. _He_ wanted to put his hand inside of those boxers, _he_ wanted to wrap his fingers around what he would find there. He wanted to take care of Barba.

It didn’t help at all that Sonny was suddenly very self-conscious about how inexperienced he was when it came to men. It was not like he didn’t know what to do with a dick but still there were some things he was insecure about and honestly, it had been a while since he had been with a man. In a weird way that only added to Sonny’s arousal. It was not just that he was about to have this amazing experience, he was here with someone special. He was here with Barba.

Sonny basically felt the blood rushing into his erection when he realized that Barba looked quite pleased at the state of his arousal.

In slow steps Barba walked up to Sonny who was still leaning against the wall of Barba’s living room. His wonderfully composed outfit was probably completely out of place, at least Sonny could make out that his shirt was untucked and a button of his sleeve was missing.

He felt the man’s eyes already undressing him before Barba did exactly that. Painfully slow. Teasing Sonny in the harshest way. His green eyes locked with his, their lips were only inches apart but not touching. Sonny just allowed himself to drown in those eyes and didn’t move an inch while Barba first pushed his jacket over his shoulders, then got rid of his vest before he undid the buttons of his shirt and finally hooked a finger into the knot of the tie.

Playfully, Barba’s long fingers closed around the tie and pulled Sonny close. The kiss was chaste, but Sonny could feel the smirk against his lips all the same.

Barba’s hot breath huffed against Sonny’s lips when he felt that his belt was being undone. Although Barba didn’t exactly rush, obviously cherishing every moment of Sonny squirming so wonderfully underneath his touch, he didn’t hesitate to undo the button and open the zipper of Sonny’s fly.

And before Sonny knew it, Barba had pushed down his pants… and underwear.

Sonny could count on one hand the times he had been naked in front of a man and quite frankly, it had never happened this quickly. So while this situation sent jolt after jolt of arousal through his body, Sonny couldn’t deny that he was also a little overwhelmed.

He didn’t know what Barba expected of him or if he would do Sonny the favor of just telling him what he wanted him to do. Nervousness joint the excitement that was boiling in Sonny’s stomach, a surely very irritating feeling as both emotions caused his heartbeat to rise inhumanely. Ultimately, Sonny was not quite sure which one gained the upper hand.

All pieces of clothing landed slovenly on the floor.

Sonny decided that Barba’s skin needed to join his own nakedness so he pulled the man’s undershirt over his head. Sonny’s mouth watered at the sight that was revealed in front of him. Pure sex oozed from the man standing there in all his glory, a buoyant smile playing around his lips.

Barba was of course a handsome man, but seeing his bare torso absolutely took Sonny’s breath away. Barba’s chest lifted up and down heavily. Sonny bit into his bottom lip when he detected erected, chocolate brown nipples that were clearly waiting to be sucked on. It sent an aquiver tickle all over Sonny’s skin to know that it must be him who was causing this arousal in Barba.

The noise that escaped Barba’s mouth when Sonny stroked big circles with his thumb over the man’s chest hair went straight to his dick. It was a moan so small that Sonny suspected Barba to not have intended to let this little sign of pleasure show in the first place. The idea that he was the one making him feel good made his body thrum in anticipation.

So Sonny’s hands kept on exploring. They slowly wandered down, stole themselves underneath the waistband of Barba’s boxers and wholeheartedly grabbed Barba’s ass.

After all those years he finally got a hold of that wonderful bubble butt.

 _Screw it_ , Sonny thought. He was here, tonight, with Barba. He had dreamed of it for so long that he did not want to weirdly overthink it. Barba had set this up after all. Why or what that could mean, Sonny had no capacity to think about, and it didn’t matter in this moment because Barba obviously liked what Sonny was doing.

So Sonny tucked his fingers into the waistband of Barba’s boxers and pushed them down so that the man was finally fully naked.

And he couldn’t stop himself from looking down.

The simple sight inflamed a fire in Sonny’s body. Barba’s size was… nice and he had a nice girth. Sonny thought about just falling onto his knees, but on the other hand he kind of liked the view of both their dicks in such close proximity to each other. Plus it had been a while since he had done that, so he felt like he shouldn’t rush. Therefore Sonny forced himself to take one step at a time, he tried to take a deep breath but all that came out of his mouth was a shuttered gasp.

But what if Barba would go down on him? Right here, right now? The thought alone was making Sonny’s head swim. This was surely one of Sonny’s most well-hidden secrets and at the same time one of his strongest fantasies. Sonny had always imagined Barba to be extremely filthy and graceful at the same time. The sheer thought that this could happen any minute was nearly enough to push him over the edge.

He needed to slow down. He couldn’t just come the minute they got naked, like a horny teenager. Although the level of his excitement made him feel exactly like that.

“Rafael.”

Sonny ducked his head to brush Barba’s, no Rafael’s lips shortly, but the man had seemingly other plans as he plunged his tongue back into Sonny’s throat. Rafael’s fingers traveled with a feather light touch down his back to his ass where they slowly slid between his cheeks.

“Rafael, wait.”

Rafael stopped. He put a big warm hand gently on Sonny’s ass and looked at him with bright, expectant eyes.

“What is it?”

“It’s just…”

“You okay?”

“Yeah, can we just take it slow?”

“You’ve done this before, right?”

“Yeah, I did, but…”

“But what?”

“It’s been a while and, uh, to be honest I’ve been dreaming about this for a while now, so I’m-.”

“Just tell me what you want.”

Sonny felt the skin on his cheeks burning and Rafael smirked in response. Him being snarky and impatient, even in a situation like this didn’t surprise him the slightest and he honestly quite liked it.

“I knew you’d blush.”

“ _Oh god!_ ”

Just to stand here with his throbbing dick, hearing Rafael talk in his low voice and noticing that the man’s scent slowly started to smell like sex was a lot to ask from Sonny. He didn’t expect any help, but Sonny looked skywards dabbling the impossible task of keeping the prickle in his crotch at bay.

Sonny felt soft lips pressing gently against the corner of his mouth. It was almost a sweet thing of Rafael to do and stood in stark contrast to his stubble scratching over Sonny’s cheek until a whisper reached his ear.

“I was hoping you’d look like this, Sonny.”

His body visibly trembled at Rafael using his preferred name for the very first time.

“You look so fucking sexy, do you know that?”

Sonny genuinely wanted to answer as it didn’t occur to him that the question may be purely rhetorical, but all he managed anyway was a whimper.

“I want you.”

This, this right there was the moment when Sonny’s good sense completely left him.

“I want you, Rafael, so, _so_ much. I wanna do so many things to you, but I-.”

Rafael shushed him.

“Come to bed.”

Sonny basically fell over his own feet when he followed Rafael’s swaying hips. A chair appeared out of nowhere in Sonny’s way and he hit his toe against it. Sonny responded to the shooting pain with a groan that Rafael must have interpreted as a sound of endearment because he just looked over his shoulder, a hand leisurely lying on the doorframe to his bedroom, to make sure that Sonny would follow.

As much as Sonny had always desired to know more about the man when he entered Rafael’s bedroom he noted nothing in it besides naked Rafael. Sonny lost no time, pushed the man on the bed and started to strew endless kisses all over his body.

Rafael seemed to appreciate Sonny’s frantic approach, because a string of Spanish utterances left his lips and even though Sonny was in no state of mind to understand them, he was sure they were dirty. Even if they weren’t Sonny surely imagined them to be.

And Sonny did what he had wanted to do from basically the moment he had met the man. He gave Rafael’s body the admiration it deserved and took his time worshipping every inch with immense care.

Rafael tasted simply delicious and he was so, so sexy. There splattered nakedly on his bed, Rafael was even more the most attractive man in the world than Sonny had already thought him to be.

When Rafael was finally kissed all over and Sonny found no more spots to explore, no more elbow, no more finger, no more softness on his stomach, his tongue started caressing Rafael’s cock.

He licked over the length of it, the tip of his tongue drawing over the thick vein. He let his tongue slip into the slit, tasting rich precum there and Sonny decided that the taste of Rafael was pure perfection.

Rafael’s hand fumbling his hair, his moans and his constant repetition of Sonny’s name only added to that perfection when he felt his mouth filling up with the salty, warm feeling of Rafael’s cum.

Sonny looked up because he wanted to see Rafael’s face when he came. These green eyes must have been fixed on Sonny the entire time, because he caught them flashing at him with the purest kind of intensity. Sonny could observe the exact moment when the orgasm rolled over him. Rafael closed his eyes, threw his head back and his lips formed one last outcry of lust.

“Sonny!”

Sliding Rafael’s dick in and out of his mouth, stroking over the spit-slicked length with his hand had made Sonny so hard that he couldn’t help but give in to an impulse.

He pushed himself up and placed his knees next to Rafael’s shoulders. He was so close and was overwhelmed by such an urge to _feel him_.

Rafael welcomed Sonny’s eager energy with a haughty smirk and stuck out his tongue to invite Sonny’s dick in.

Rafael’s lips closed around him and Sonny only needed to push inside of the hot wetness of his mouth a couple of times before the orgasm built up from his curled toes and rushed over him with a force that Sonny had never experienced before.

Sonny made sure to keep his eyes fixed on Rafael the entire time who looked so incredibly beautiful with his sweet mouth full of dick. And among Rafael’s blushed skin, the sweat beads on his forehead and his softened feature Sonny thought to find satisfaction in the man’s face.

He wanted to kiss him, maybe taste himself in the kiss. But the angle was just not right at all and the orgasm that had flooded over him in waves now ebbed away in waves and surely swiped all the energy that Sonny had left out of his body.

Sonny slummed next to Rafael and both men did nothing but pant for a while.

Sonny wanted to tell how great it was, how good it had felt, but he had the rare realization that this must be one of those moments where things were better left unspoken.

So what he did instead was close his eyes. He wanted to hold on to this moment where one of his dreams had come true and not forget a single thing about it.

His hand searched for Rafael’s and he entangled their fingers.

Distantly he realized that Rafael did not tighten his hand around Sonny’s.

But he also didn’t pull away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said earlier this is a fic I'm not quite feeling, so this is an interesting experience for me because I have no idea if Sonny is in character or not. Let me know what you think!
> 
> And that Raf matches his tie and socks and underwear to Sonny's eyes is one of my earliest headcanons.
> 
> Happy Pride!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The afterglow

His heartbeat finally slowed down, but Sonny was still aware of all the wonders around him. The sounds of breathing next to him, the warmth of another body. And mostly, Rafael’s hand was still in his.

Sonny turned around to press himself against Rafael. He spread one palm across the man’s chest and bumped his nose timidly against his shoulder.

The response he felt underneath his touch was a tensing of muscles. Sonny was only irritated by this for a second, before he decided to draw small soothing circles with his thumb over Rafael’s chest. He was glad to note that after a while Rafael slightly relaxed.

Sonny didn’t dare talk, fearing he might destroy their moment. It hadn’t even occurred to him that Rafael might feel uncomfortable about the affection, although he was not surprised by it at all.

This line of thought caused an unwelcome feeling of unease somewhere in his chest, an intruder of this moment of beauty. So Sonny closed his eyes before he tugged his nose into the crook of Rafael’s neck. He took in a deep breath, enjoying all the small details about the man. The distant odor of cologne was disguised by the salty smell of sex, but all that couldn’t hide the rich scent of Rafael Barba. This might be the first time that Sonny could really smell the specific scent of Rafael and that was surely another fantasy turning into reality.

“Uhm, what now?”

Rafael had cleared his throat and found an excuse for retrieving his hand from Sonny’s in the necessity of scratching a piece of skin next to his balls.

Sonny swallowed. Bluntly, he hadn’t expected the question so soon and was even less in the mood to deal with it. He rather wanted to bask a little more in the bliss of having acted on four years of sexual tension. Rafael was right though, probably, the mature thing to do would be to talk about this before this got weird or lead to contradicting expectations.

Still this whole evening was a lot to process. This awkward not-date in the bar and then the incredible sex. It was all exciting and weird at the same time. To Sonny’s mind came the strange lack of eloquence when Rafael had told him earlier that he wanted to “check his odds” and “see whether he’s into men”. Now that Sonny thought of it, was it possible that the way Rafael had sat there on that bar stool, his eyes switching constantly between inspecting his Scotch glass and cocking at Sonny, had maybe not so much been a sign of nervousness, but more of being scared of being rejected?

“We can just see where it goes.” Sonny let his hand slide from Rafael’s chest to around his shoulder and pulled him closer. “You know? We don’t need to-.”

“No.” Rafael shook his head. “No!” He added affirmatively. “I mean, now. What are you doing now?”

“Oh, uh.”

Sonny felt himself blush from head to toe and cursed himself for being so stupid. He instinctively sensed that it was necessary to handle Rafael with kid gloves right now or otherwise he’d scare him away. With this in mind, Sonny took one last breath and tried to be cool about it.

“Well, I’m cuddling you.”

“Yeah, I’m realizing that.”

“It’s what people do, Rafi. There’s nothing wrong with that.” He was such a loser, Sonny immediately cursed himself.

“Okay, first of all, nobody allowed you to call me that, least of all me, and second of all, what makes you think that I have a problem with that?”

Sonny just snorted in response. As he was too busy nestling up to him, he couldn’t see Rafael’s face but this time Sonny was sure. This right here was vulnerability. Another reason to handle this with care.

“We could have another drink? I’m sure you’re very well stocked.”

Sonny decided that he should maybe just offer Rafael a way out. He was obviously not comfortable with the feelings part that was inevitable to come after the afterglow and Sonny, quite frankly, felt that no good would come from this today and therefore was more than willing to postpone that conversation till later. What he wanted was just more, more of Rafael, more sex, more of this evening.

He wanted to stay.

And Sonny had long learned that one way to make people stay was keeping them well fed, and in Rafael’s case this meant booze.

“Carisi, are you even planning on showering?”

“Okay, first of all, nobody allowed you to call me that, anymore, least of all me, and second of all, I was kinda hoping we could, you know, do it again. Tonight, I mean.”

“So?”

“Uh, I can shower after round two?”

“So you want me to sleep with you when you’re covered in sweat and saliva?”

“Just ten minutes ago you didn’t seem to mind.”

“Ten minutes ago was ten minutes ago.”

Sonny could basically feel Rafael rolling his eyes. He slipped away from under Sonny’s arm and got up.

“You can fix me up with a Scotch while I shower.”

Sonny propped up on one elbow and seized the view that Rafael was giving him. If possible the man was even more beautiful after the sex than during. His sweat damped hair, his chest hair. Sonny bit into his bottom lip. The warmth spreading in his chest made him realize too late that he was shamelessly ogling.

“Don’t grin like that. You’re going to shower after me.”

“I could hop in with you, if you-.”

“Don’t even try, I’m warning you.”

“Okay, then.” Sonny sighed, but got up. He looked around for his clothes, but remembered that they must lay splattered on the ground of the rest of the apartment. However, Sonny figured he might as well stay naked for the rest of the evening. “Where’s the kitchen?”

Rafael who was already leaning against the doorframe of the small ensuite bathroom with a clean towel in his hand turned around to send him a withering look.

“This apartment is like 550 square feet, I’m sure you’ll find your way. And if you don’t, use your detective skills.”

Sonny narrowed his eyes, trying to answer with a look that would match Rafael’s in drama, but the man was already gone.

So Sonny allowed himself to sneak around in the little apartment for a bit.

It was really not very big. There was a small couch, Sonny estimated that not even Rafael would be able to have a comfortable nap on this one. On the small coffee table Sonny found old papers and a few novels. There was a big book shelf in the back of the living room, next to a small table under the window that was completely empty. Something made Sonny suspect that Rafael might have used this spot as a desk in older days, back when they were still working together.

Sonny walked up to the shelf to examine the books more closely. They were mostly law books and from the look of it Sonny guessed that some of them might even be Rafael’s old books from law school. Only a few of them were fiction, theatre plays mostly.

There was not much to the apartment nor was it very lux or high maintenance, but the dark colors, the wooden furniture, the simplicity. Somehow Sonny found it all very Barba. Rafael.

With a little hop Sonny proceeded to the kitchen. He still couldn’t believe that they had really slept together. He needed to fight the urge to pick up his phone and call all his sisters and Rollins and whoever would listen to just tell them that he had sucked Rafael Barba’s dick.

Sonny’s cheeks were aching from grinning when he found a bottle of Scotch resting on the kitchen counter. He was quick to remember the brand and type of Scotch for when he was going to invite Rafael back to his apartment.

To his dismay though, he didn’t find any beer. Not that this was surprising Sonny. His short, but totally inappropriate search through the kitchen cabins told Sonny that Rafael’s kitchen was incredibly understaffed and that the man must mostly be eating East Asian food. And Sonny did find a bottle of Tequila. He also found an open bottle of white wine in the fridge and decided it would be appropriate to help himself to a glass of this.

If the sight of after-sex Rafael hadn’t already made his heart skip a beat, after-shower Rafael completely melted him away. He had obviously rubbed a towel through his hair and he looked outright cute.

Sonny stopped himself from saying so out loud.

He carried both glasses with their drinks back into the bedroom, because somehow this had always been Sonny’s idea of romance to have drinks and dessert in bed after sex, where he found Rafael in a surprisingly sporty outfit. He already wanted to ask if he was wearing brand when Rafael suggested to have the drinks on his balcony.

Sonny bit back a comment about getting sick when sitting with wet hair outside. He didn’t want to appear to be overly caring which was why he just pressed the glasses into Rafael’s hand and slipped into the bathroom.

Rafael had obviously used the fresh towel for himself and as Sonny didn’t find any other, he used this one to dry himself as well. Needless to mention that he also unnecessarily opened the bathroom cabin to find an appropriately big collection of hair products and a surprisingly small amount of creams. Aloe vera gel, argan oil and marigold cream was basically the gist and Sonny also kept that information in mind for his own personal improvement.

When Sonny left the bathroom, he contemplated what to wear. Rafael hadn’t offered him any sweats, he still couldn’t believe that the man even owned some anyway, and Sonny felt it would be too presumptuous to just take something out of the closet. So he felt like he was left with no other choice but to put his suit back on.

Rafael’s balcony was sweet, Sonny couldn’t think of a better word. It was small, there were some cushions placed on what must be a wooden pallet and Sonny didn’t think that Rafael would be a man capable of so much practicality.

He slumped down next to Rafael on the cushions and realized that no one else would fit on there. They were close, shoulders touching but Sonny fought back the urge to put one of his long arms around Rafael. Instead he busied himself with his drink.

And before he knew it, the wine glass was empty after three deep gulps.

“You shouldn’t drink alcohol if you’re thirsty.”

“You even drink alcohol when you’re hungry.” And when Rafael tilted his head in question, Sonny added: “Or at least, you used to.”

Rafael looked at him for a long moment and Sonny was wondering what the man was thinking. Sonny knew what he was thinking. He was thinking back to the days when he'd been shadowing Rafael and he had found out that on very stressful days when the former ADA didn’t find time to have lunch, he had a glass of Scotch instead.

This was when Sonny started to put in some extra consideration when his habit of sharing food with people came to Rafael. His homemade pastries surely sweeten up any day or at least Sonny was quite confident with his talent there, but they couldn't be considered a lunch. So Sonny started to make sure he'd have some lasagna or at least a sandwich at hand whenever he stopped by the former ADA's office. He wondered now if Rafael had picked up on that.

“There are a lot of things I used to do and don’t anymore.”

There was no way to not pick up on the meaningful undertone in the sentence and Sonny contemplated for a long moment if he shouldn’t just ask what Rafael meant. But again, Sonny sensed that the mood of the evening could change very fast if he pushed Rafael out of his comfort zone.

“Well, you did me and that’s something you didn’t use to do.”

Sonny shrugged his shoulders and wanted to kick himself for this bad joke. There was no way, of course, to keep up with the man’s eloquence, and embarrassment rushed over him when he remembered how he had used to look up fancy words during the time they had worked together so that he could casually slip them into conversation hoping to impress the guy. Still he didn’t need to make a joke as stupid as this.

But to his relief, Rafael smirked and answered: “That’s kind of what I meant.”

Sonny’s heart skipped a beat but he was not able to process what Rafael could mean by that? He decided, though, that this too was a good thing.

“What do you think about a shot of Tequila for old time’s sake?”

“Yeah, why not? Would be nice.”

Rafael’s smile was downright charming and Sonny knew that his own smile in turn was downright ridiculous. So he hurried up to get the tequila. He knew he had seen lemons in the fridge, but Sonny felt like the mood was not the right one to suggest licking stuff off of each other.

And it really wasn’t. It rather was the evening for never ending eye contact while taking shots, casual hand touching and bumping knees when they both sat cross-legged facing each other.

“I was actually surprised you never gave me a speech about my many addictions.”

“How many addictions do you have?”

“You tell me, detective.”

“Caffeine, alcohol and maybe a shopping problem is all that I could make out.”

“You wanted me back then.” Rafael looked him openly in the eyes.

“Yeah, I always wanted you.”

The burning on his cheeks felt literally like a fire, but the confession came easy. Sonny wished he could blame it on the liquor that he was so bluntly open but that was not true. He always wanted Rafael and even more than that, he never used to live in denial about it.

“You were a problem, too, back then.”

“Was I?” Sonny swallowed hard at the sound of Rafael lowering his voice.

“Yeah, you were very much.”

“So, what about now?”

“Now?” A smirk cracked Rafael’s face. “Now I know that I was right about you being a problem.”

“Okay?” And again Sonny decided that this was a good thing.

“Well, you were a problem, too, believe me.”

Sonny grabbed the bottle of Tequila and refilled both their shot glasses.

“I’m not surprised I was.”

Sonny, not surprised of Rafael’s arrogance, raised his glass to that and downed his drink. He wrinkled his lips at the burn it had caused, but at least Tequila didn’t taste weirdly smoky like Rafael’s Scotch. With a look at his glass Sonny realized that he probably shouldn’t have more, his head started to feel dizzy.

“You’re not planning on going, do you?”

“What?”

Surprised, Sonny looked up. The empty shot glass still in his hand.

“You just had three shots within forty five minutes.”

“I can handle my liquor.”

“You’re a big boy.”

“But yeah, I kinda assumed… you know.”

“Look, Sonny.” Rafael cleared his throat and awkwardly shifted his weight. “I think you realized that I don’t have a spare toothbrush.” Sonny did. In fact, he also noticed that there was also only one pillow on Rafael’s king size bed and just one small blanket. “So as you can guess, I don’t usually ask people back to my apartment.”

“But I’m not people?”

“No, you are a problem.”

They both laughed at that. Their hearts skipped a beat and even Rafael’s cheeks turned a little pink. Sonny wanted to kiss him, he wanted to kiss him badly.

“But you said, you do some things differently now. This could be your chance.”

Rafael’s answer was a small smile. He considered Sonny for a while, his green eyes trailing over Sonny’s face. Finally, Rafael drew in a breath and leaned forward.

He kissed Sonny softly. His lips lingered comfortably on Sonny’s. His tongue gently traced along Sonny’s lips.

When Rafael broke the kiss, he didn’t pull away though. Instead he rested their foreheads together. His left hand, the one free of a glass, rested on Sonny’s biceps. Moreover, squeezing it a little.

“Yes, I really do.”

“Look, Rafael, if you want me to go, I will. It’s fine. Honestly, it is. But you should know that I want to see you again.” Sonny bumped his nose against Rafael’s and tilted his head to let their lips touch for a second. “It’s up to you.”

“If I let you stay, will that count as a date then?”

“What?”

Sonny pulled his head away and looked at him, a little outraged.

“That date you wanted. If you sleep in my bed tonight, I think we can call it even.”

Sonny considered Rafael who lifted up his chin for a long moment. Slowly realization came across.

“Aw, you’re afraid you’d be bad at it!”

“Sonny, I’m freaking out about letting you spend the night and I haven’t dated since the turn of the millennium, I know I will suck.”

“It’d be really fine with me if you sucked.”

Rafael sent him a withering look.

“It’s not happening, Sonny.”

“Come on, I-.”

“Why would you want to go on a date if you know it’ll suck?”

With a pout on his lips, Rafael got up and pushed himself past Sonny to go back into the apartment.

“Because it’s you.”

Sonny had only whispered, but Rafael had still heard it because he stopped short and sent him a strange look.

“Let’s just go to bed.”

Sonny cracked a smile. He kind of wanted to squeal, but of course he only did that in his head.

“That doesn’t mean I’m giving up on my date though.”

“Have you ever heard about silent agreements?”

“No.”

Sonny shook his head and undressed himself again while he followed Rafael into the bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy, if you do please leave a comment. They are life for me! The last chapter will be up next week and picks up on the morning after. Thank you!
> 
> [Also check out my new chapter of Smitten (and comment please)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17442977/chapters/41069927) :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I DON'T WANT THIS TO END!

It was weird not to be woken up by an alarm.

Sonny was not a person that had trouble getting up in the morning, which didn’t mean he didn’t need any help waking up. Usually, his apple watch woke him up for work or a work out before work at around six o’clock in the morning. If he had an unusual day off, it woke him only an hour later so that he’d be on time for breakfast with various family members.

This morning though what made him wake up was… nothing specific. Sonny couldn’t say. The blinds were shut, so it wasn’t a ray of sunshine. A look onto his watch told him that it was approaching nine so it also wasn’t his biological clock. And Rafael was still sound asleep next to him. So it also wasn’t him.

Furtively, Sonny looked at the man. They had blown each other again last night. Pure arousal had gone down Sonny’s spine when Rafael had told him how he wanted to be sucked off. Sonny had been more than happy to oblige. And he must have done well, because the blowjob he had received in return had been by far his best one yet.

They hadn’t fallen asleep right away. They had made out and giggled about stuff he couldn’t remember now. Rafael had asked him to fix him up with another drink, but Sonny had brought the both of them a glass of water and two aspirins instead. The stabbing pain in his forehead told him that he should have another one of those.

Sonny hadn’t brushed his teeth. He couldn’t have even if he’d wanted to because Rafael really didn’t have a spare toothbrush. Rafael also hadn’t offered him any comfortable clothes, thus Sonny had slept naked. Thinking about it now, that might have been Rafael’s plan.

Rafael had made him take out a second pillow and blanket from the top of his closet, but had ended up sharing both of his with Sonny.

For Sonny, everything had all felt incredibly right.

A smile cracked his face while his gaze followed along all the fine lines that made out the uniqueness of Rafael’s face, the wrinkles on his forehead, the bridge of his nose, the soft lips. He counted the few strains of gray in his hair and felt like he was already missing the green of his eyes. Rafael really looked so peaceful while asleep and he was even snoring a little.

Sonny shook his head and quickly got up before Rafael had the chance to catch him staring.

Although the last evening seemed blurry in his head due to emotionality and the amount of alcohol, Sonny remembered that breakfast must be a lost cause. Rafael’s kitchen cabinets were filled, and filled was a euphemism here, with basmati rice and different types of soy sauce. A jar of Nutella was all that Sonny was able to make out as useful for breakfast. A quick look into the fridge gave him confirmation. Sonny was able to work with little in the kitchen, but lemons, eggs and three cherry tomatoes were even beyond his capabilities.

Sonny contemplated pancakes, that would be a good opportunity to find out how much of a sweet tooth Rafael had, but sugar cubes and no flour also made that idea impossible.

In the back of his mind Sonny made the plan to bring one jar of his home-made marmalade next time. He had an uncle upstate who owned three cherry trees with more fruits than they could carry and Sonny made sure to get his hands on those. And cherry vanilla marmalade sounded like something that Rafael would like.

But without any kind of bread, marmalade also wouldn’t help him. Sonny considered slipping outside, he was sure he had seen a little bakery close by, but he’d have to take the keys and what if Rafael woke up and thought he was gone. No, there were too many flaws with this plan.

This was when he had an epiphany. It was not possible to prepare meals based only on rice and soy sauce. _The freezer!_

And indeed, there he found something useful: baked bread rolls! So baked bread rolls and scrambled eggs it was. His nonna would turn around in her grave if she knew about this, but Sonny can only deal with what was given to him.

There was also some meat and fish in the freezer. To his surprise Sonny also found fries and onion rings. Sonny remembered how condescending Rafael had been to him and Amanda about “fried carbs” back when they had worked together. Sonny stored that little secret away for later, he was sure there would come an opportunity when this information would be of use.

Sonny then found a few bags of frozen vegetables, mostly Asian vegetable mixes. Sonny would definitely make Rafael get rid of those. Some bags contained peas, beans, or pepper, but Sonny decided on a Mediterranean vegetable mix. A little bit of this together with a little bit of the can of tomatoes in the top shelf that had been expired for four months and he’d be able to make some mean ass scrambled eggs.

So he put Rafael’s one and only pan on the stove and got everything going. He turned on the kettle for hot water, meanwhile put a generous amount of coffee into the French press. Just when he turned back to the vegetables in the pan, he caught sight of Rafael standing in the doorframe watching him.

Sonny ducked his head and unnecessarily hit the spatula against the counter top. He cleared his throat and found nothing to say other than dumbly mumbling “good morning”.

Sonny stood awkwardly there in Rafael’s kitchen. His considerate breakfast frying behind him on the stove and he painfully realized that he was still naked.

It was not that he was ashamed, in fact Sonny had noted that Rafael liked him in that natural state of being very much and Sonny knew that his body was quite presentable, but he felt a little exposed. Maybe he was too overbearing scooping around nakedly in Rafael’s kitchen just assuming they’d have breakfast together. After all Rafael hadn’t been crazy about letting him spend the night together, but Sonny just wanted to do something nice…

Sonny squared his shoulders. It didn’t really help that Rafael was just standing there saying nothing.

Why was he _like this_? Why did he always have to make things _awkward?_

His impetuosity when they first kissed in the bar. His iffiness about coming back home with him. His insecurity before sex. That all must have been so _weird_ to Rafael.

Sonny really liked him. Sonny really, really liked him.

Why couldn’t he just be elegant and playful and everything _but_ awkward around him?

“I’m sorry, Rafi. I didn’t want to impose. I just thought you’d like some breakfast. I didn’t think.”

Sonny jerked a thumb over his shoulder. Then he stopped short. _The vegetables! Fuck!_ He spun around, was quick to stir them, and turned down the heat.

When he turned back to Rafael with an apologetic smile on his face, Sonny found that the man had watched him the entire time.

Rafael was still standing there leaning with his shoulder against the door frame, his hips crooked and arms crossed in front of his chest. The expression on his face was unreadable.

Sonny swallowed. Broad chest, arms, stubble, everything about this man was sexy. Inside of him arousal started to boil up again, but he shut down the feeling quickly because after all he was standing in the man’s kitchen naked.

Slowly, Rafael’s lips formed a small smirk.

“No, it’s alright.” Rafael stepped away from the doorframe. “Knowing you, I expected something like this.”

Sonny didn’t know what to do with that information and therefore just continued standing naked in the kitchen, feeling a little more confused than before.

“So, uh, are you hungry?”

“I usually don’t eat breakfast to be honest.”

 _That explains a lot_ , Sonny thought and he was going to make sure to change this.

“I’m sure my scrambled eggs will change your mind about that.”

Sonny turned around and picked up the bowl in which he had stirred up four eggs and held it up for Rafael.

“The first thing you need to do to even give yourself a chance to change my mind is give me coffee.”

“Of course.”

Sonny smiled, of course he knew Rafael well enough to know that. So he hurried to pour him coffee into a cup. The coffee was steeped well and Sonny was sure that Rafael would like it. Wordlessly, Rafael took the cup out of Sonny’s hand and just gave him a tense smile as a thank you. It was one of those forced smiles Sonny had seen on him many times. He smiled like this when Rafael knew he’d need to be thankful to judges when he simply thought he had deserved the warrant all along. That was what the edge on the man’s round cheeks told him when Rafael’s mouth scrunched.

Sonny wanted to kiss him.

Rafael’s eyes were a little swollen from last night’s sleep. There were adorable wrinkles from the pillow on his cheeks and Sonny could only imagine how warm his body must be feeling.

At the same time, Sonny didn’t need any detective skills to note that Rafael’s mood was, to put it politely, not the brightest.

This was why Sonny said nothing when Rafael simply vanished with the cup of coffee in his hand. Instead, Sonny arranged the tiny kitchen table, although arranged was a big word. Between three lonely cherry tomatoes and a nearly empty jar of Nutella the two pills of aspirin next to the glasses of water stuck out as highlights.

Rafael came back only five minutes later. He was dressed in jeans and a polo shirt. He had made an attempt to tame his bedhead and while Rafael surely was handsome as always, Sonny already missed the messy look.

In his hand Rafael held Sonny’s underwear that he gave to him wordlessly.

They sat down and started eating in silence. Surely, not talking, especially during a meal, didn’t come natural to Sonny and when Rafael finished his second cup of coffee, he couldn’t take it anymore.

“Did you really think I was straight?”

“I answered this yesterday.”

 _Right._ Sonny remembered. His memory was hidden under the blurry haze of a buzz, but he remembered.

 _Not really_ , Rafael had answered. _But I didn’t know how much your Catholicism would be in your way._

Sonny was pretty sure that he had given him the drunken version of his speech about faith and gayness, besides he didn’t really think that Rafael had needed that in the first place.

“Right.” Sonny cleared his throat. His scrambled eggs were pretty darn good. _Who knew what frozen vegetables can do?_ “But I still don’t get why you didn’t say something earlier?”

For a moment Sonny thought that Rafael would choke on his eggs, only that he didn’t.

This was when Sonny remembered. Rafael had also answered this question the other night. _It was inappropriate._

But now it was different then, wasn’t it? They weren't working together anymore and maybe, so it occurred to Sonny in this moment, this was the whole reason why Rafael had set up this meeting so out of the blue. Because now things were different, they weren’t coworkers anymore. There were no careers to be put in jeopardy. This was just them.

“I wanted something like this.”

There was obviously some heavy meaning lying in the word " _this"_ and Sonny didn’t get it. Yet he held his breath, eager to listen to what Rafael was going to say.

“Even more than the sex, I wanted this.”

Rafael’s gaze was set somewhere in front of him on the table. He wasn't looking at anything specific but given that the only original thing that Sonny had contributed to this table was scrambled eggs, he had no idea what Rafael meant.

“I wanted you to make breakfast in my kitchen.”

 _So he did mean the eggs?_ Sonny chewed as cautiously as possible, determined not to miss a single word of what Rafael was saying.

“And to be honest that scared the hell out of me.”

Sonny looked up and met Rafael’s big, green eyes who looked back at him with such tenderness that he thought his heart would break.

“And, Sonny-”

Rafael reached out his hand and found Sonny’s little finger on the hand that was holding the fork, effectively stopping him midway to have the next bite.

“I’m still scared.”

Sonny looked rather irritated at the large hand holding his little finger. The chunk of scrambled egg on the fork was doomed to get cold and Sonny was trying hard to take in Rafael’s word.

“Rafi.”

The endearment sounded beautiful, Sonny cherished the sound of it because he had only ever called Barba this in his head. Now as he was saying the name out loud it felt even more right.

“Clearly both of us want to have sex with each other and have breakfast together. And I don’t know about you, but…” Sonny smiled at Rafael, encouragingly. “This is really nice.”

And Rafael smiled, small, but he smiled and warmth started blossoming in Sonny’s chest.

“It is.”

Sonny could hear his own heartbeat echoing in his head. There, sitting on the tiny kitchen table in his underwear, he felt hot and cold at the same time.

“So what’s the problem?”

Sonny didn't want to ask. Here and now in Rafael’s small kitchen it suddenly occurred to the both of them that of all the hindrances between them, the most obvious one and the one that apparently had held the both of them back, their work, was the easiest one to go about.

“Do I really need to spell it out?”

Sonny felt irritated for a moment. He still felt Rafael’s grip on his little finger and looked into those eyes that were so soft and full of hurt at the same time. Sonny didn’t know what was happening. Of course he knew what Rafael meant as vaguely as he made sure to be, but only a moment ago they had talked about how nice it was between them. They were not making promises to each that they couldn’t keep.

 _Yes,_ it didn’t help that Sonny wasn’t out and _yes,_ he could see that they might have very different opinions on religion and family. But for Sonny these were mere obstacles to overcome. And if they really loved each other… then Sonny had no doubt they would.

“Why did you invite me to that bar then?”

“We had been there once after we won the Hodda case.”

“That’s not what I mean and you know it.”

Rafael tightened his grip around Sonny’s finger and Sonny started to feel like they were making a pinky swear.

“I think I just wanted to know what it’s like.”

 _This. What this is like_ , Sonny ended Rafael’s sentence in his head. It was nice. That’s what this was.

“So what now?”

Rafael sighed. He let go off Sonny’s finger, the sudden loss of grip made his hand lose his balance and the fork full of scrambled eggs fell onto the plate. Rafael took a deep breath.

“You know the job, Sonny. It sucks the life out of you and at the same time it is all that is giving you life.” Rafael pressed his lips together. “I seem to have lost grip on that latter part, before I did… what I did.” Rafael shifted his weight on the chair, but didn’t lose eye contact with Sonny. “I don’t regret any of it. Not the time that I have spent on this job or anything else.” Rafael wet his lips before he continued. “Now, with it all gone, I’m not sad, but still I cannot look forward being the person that I used to be. And maybe this is where I dared to invite you here.”

It was a lot, it really was. But mainly because Sonny knew that they couldn’t talk about what this all meant for Rafael, maybe he didn’t even know yet. So what Sonny tried to do instead was grasp the tiny straw of optimism in Rafael’s speech and go from there.

“We can just do this. Drinks, sex, breakfast. It doesn’t have to be more than this, until you’re ready.”

Rafael considered Sonny for a long moment, so long that he feared the straw would slip through his hand.

Sonny didn’t know what Rafael had intended. If he had wanted to talk about the nature of their relationship, if they’d be casual or for real. And Sonny didn’t care for now. All he needed to know was that this wouldn’t stop, that they would do this again. And go from there.

Slowly, Rafael’s features began to relax.

“Okay.” He nodded and a smile found his lips. “I would like that.”

“Good!” The way Sonny exclaimed that word was a few notches too exciting and this was one of those moments where he realized why friends compared him to a dog. “And I’m really not expecting anything.”

Rafael nodded one last time and then turned to his eggs.

Sonny bit back his smile and thereby reached his goal of holding it in check. His cheeks would hurt from how ridiculously bright it was destined to be. Now the inside of his cheeks hurt instead from teeth biting into flesh.

Giddy was what Sonny felt like. He could barely swallow his eggs. Switching from drunk to worry to extremely happy so fast made the necessity of a nutritious breakfast suddenly look so small.

“What about _this?”_ With the fork in his hand Rafael gestured over the table. “Drinking, sex, breakfast. And a date? Tomorrow night?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was my small take on the slow burn verse from Sonny's POV. Thank everyone of you for reading! I'd appreciate any comment! 
> 
> I'm so glad I finished this WIP after six months and I solely need to thank nevadatrash for this. Very, very special thanks to her.
> 
> Still, I'm sad this is over. I never want to let go of my stories. Take care, my friends!


End file.
